During my PhD, there were times when I lost my love for research. These feelings didn’t come from a single source but from a collection of disconnects that built up over time. They frustrated me, tired me, and made me feel like I didn’t understand myself, I didn’t know what I was doing. But at the end, they forced me to think seriously about what I truly want.

If you have ever felt this way, perhaps my story can help.

Tracing the Disconnect

I think my loss of interest in research came from these sources:

A Mismatch in Research Interests. I realized I hadn’t seriously considered my own research interests when choosing my PhD topic. I chose my project because it had enough funding for my entire PhD, not because it was something I wanted to dedicate the next five years of my life to. I didn’t even know what my true research interests were.
 
Unclear Motivations. I struggled with my “why”. Before my PhD, I was a clinical pharmacist. I changed careers because I realized I didn’t enjoy the daily constant patient and doctor interactions. I loved the idea of quiet days in the library, devoting myself to reading and learning in depth. My motivation wasn’t to save hundred lives through research or make a breakthrough discovery; it was to find a different way of working that fit for me. But was that enough? What was the meaning of my work? 
 
A Lack of Perceived Impact. There were times I couldn’t see the impact of my work. My research would be published in a journal, adding one tiny drop to an ocean of knowledge. I felt that no one cared about it. I felt like my research was just a means to get a PhD degree. That was all. I started to wonder, “Why am I doing this?”
 
Constant Self-Doubt. Compounding everything was a deep sense of self-doubt. I became aware of how much I didn’t know, even about some basic things. I felt I wasn’t smart or talented enough to do research. 
 
A Disconnect from External Academic Metrics. I realized the standard goals of academia — publishing 3–4 papers a year, targeting top-tier journals, or getting grants — didn’t motivate me. They were just numbers that felt meaningless, tools for building a reputation that didn’t bring me personal joy. I knew I needed to find what truly motivated me.

Finding My Way Back

I knew I was the only one who could solve these problems. So, I started to talk to myself, to understand myself, and to find solutions for myself.

Talking to Myself

Talking to yourself is never easy. It requires stillness and quiet, two things we often avoid. But you have to find the courage to listen to your own thoughts and understand them.

My husband introduced me to a “pen, paper, and candle exercise” that helped immensely. I would sit in a dark room with just a candle, a pen, and some paper (I use a small lamp too, as it helps me write). No phone, no laptop, or other electronic devices. I would write down everything on my mind: my current problems, my fears, my barriers, and my desires — any thoughts that came up.

This exercise is powerful because it externalizes your thinking. We are generally better equipped to deal with the outer world than our inner one – a concept Tiago Forte captures in Building a Second Brain: “The skills we have developed for dealing with the external world go beyond those we have for dealing with the internal world.” Writing brings our internal thoughts into the external world where we can finally engage with them, examine them, and understand them.

Simply writing everything out also brings a sense of peace. Sometimes I didn’t figure out any solutions, but the act of expressing my thoughts made me feel released.

Learning from Books

Besides talking to myself, I wanted to learn how others solved such problems. Surely, I wasn’t the first person to face this. I was certain that others had faced the same problems and that there were books about it. Reading to get more perspectives is always my approach in both research and life.

When I want to learn a technique, I read books about it. When I want to learn about knowledge management, I read books about it. When I want to stop overthinking, I read books about it.

I applied this same logic to finding joy in research. I searched for books about doing research joyfully and found two books shared the same title The Joy of Science and bought them immediately, simply because that was how I wanted to feel (in total, I bought 8 books just on this topic 😂). One was by Jim Al-Khalili, and the other, by Roel Snieder and Jen Schneider. The second one turned out to be exactly what I loved to read and exactly what I needed.

The Journey Continues

I am still on the path to figuring out what I want to do in research. But I truly believe that because I am putting my mind and effort into it, I will find it.

I share my story so that if you ever feel lost or lose interest in your own research, you know you are not alone. I believe these moments of frustration are positive signals. They are opportunities that force you to pause, think deeply, and find your own way forward.

When you are clear about your WHY, you become confident in every step you take. The path may be difficult, but your motivation will be strong enough to overcome any obstacle.

I wish you the courage to talk to yourself, to listen to yourself, and to understand yourself.